Pt 3. To those still stuck in Crazy Love:
So the local paper covered this story, lol.
Read more here.
“What would you say to other women who are in the same situation as you?”
Well, that question stumped me. Because there was nothing anyone could have done to make me leave my ex. Never have I imagined myself to be in an abusive relationship. And nothing — absolutely nothing — could have prepared me for it. Years of education, feminist ideologies and exposure to stories of battered women didn’t do anything to bolster my strength to leave him at all.
I found myself ready to call it quits each time he violates me, yet time and again, I lapsed back into a relationship with him. He knew very well when he was about to lose me, and having that awareness, he worked doubly hard to win me over and regain my trust. When in a good mood, he ensured our time together was nothing short of bliss.
The honeymoon period was always so filled with joy, it got me thinking that I’d never be happy with anyone else other from him. That sweet, satisfying neurochemical rush of romance was so liberating, so intoxicating. It was the deadliest form of positive reinforcement. I was unable to break free from him because when things went well, it felt euphoric. In a way, it was worse than a drug addiction, because drug addicts are somewhat aware they have no control over their addiction. In an abusive relationship, you have the illusion of free will. You assume you can leave your partner any time you wanted to — if he ever hits you again, or humiliates you in public, or lashes out at your children, you would have enough resolve to walk away the next time it happens. But of course, you end up tolerating more abuse over time, because you perceive yourself as a soulmate to your abuser; you don’t see yourself as his victim.
A friend described her experience with an abusive partner succinctly -
“I was in denial about what was happening to me. Back then, I could not accept that I was a battered girlfriend and I only saw myself as a strong woman who was in love with a troubled man.”
After the initial attacks, I accepted that he was violent, and I firmly believed an abuser can change. I thought if I loved hard enough, I could love his violence away. Perhaps I could better myself, work on my flaws and make this relationship a success. With enough love, patience, understanding, tolerance and forgiveness, an abusive man can surely learn how to be kind and gentle, right?
Few friends were aware of my ex’s violent and abusive character. They echoed the same sentiment: Men who hit women will never change. (And what more, a doctor who bashes his girlfriends?!) I was upset, turned off by their cynicism. I maintained that people deserve chances, and we never spoke about the abuse again. In fact, I distanced myself from people who chided my decision to stay with him even after he punched me bloody.
I thought:
This is not a typical violent relationship.
I know what I’m doing.
I’m not “one of those abused women”.
I’m aware, I know better. I got it all under control.
Outsiders wouldn’t understand.
People can change for the better.
I just got to be patient.
He has issues, but true love overcomes all obstacles.
What kind of person would I be if I were to give up on someone so easily?
I ought to be more understanding.
I will REALLY leave him if he ever hits me again.
I was so full of hope and optimism. I firmly believed that with the right conditions, people can change for the better. Even after he beat me half to death, I was miserable to be apart from him. It was only through an enforced distance from him that allowed me to see him clearly for who he is — a violent narcissist with a vested interest in self-preservation. Women’s right to their own lives and bodies were of no regard to him. No matter how he tries to disavow responsibilities for his abusive actions (e.g. claiming mental illness/insobriety), the fact remains: He is a vicious woman-beater who would never face up to the truth, take responsibility for his own life, nor be accountable to the crimes he willingly committed, time and again.
I still remain in disbelief about how he could distort and thwart truths as though he believed those lies himself, THEN vehemently try to make me believe his version of events afterwards. An example: I realised he was gaslighting me. I called him out on his behaviour and he got indignant. He raged, “How DARE you say I’m gaslighting you? Now, you’re the one gaslighting me!”
According to him, I tried to gaslight him about him gaslighting me.
Confused yet? So was I. Each time his lies got exposed, he’d bring me on a merry-go-round and mess with my mind. Because gaslighting is what he does best — simply change the narrative and get absolutely indignant if I remain firm about the actual version of events. He’d then question my sanity and dismiss me, “You’re crazy, that did not happen. You need to go see a shrink.”
We can’t choose who we fall for. But surely, we can choose who is worthy of our love. In many ways, this trauma has shifted my perspectives. I realised how naive I was. I thought I was patient, informed and in control, when in fact I had been utterly blinded and helpless to my abuser’s manoeuvres.
To people in an abusive relationship:
PLEASE SEEK HELP. No one should live with abuse and violence. Contact PAVE, a family violence service centre at +65 6555 0390 if you’re in Singapore.
Know that you are worth so much more, and you deserve better. Sometimes, your abuser works hard to make you believe that you both are perfect for each other. Maybe you think that there is no one more suitable for you other than your current abusive partner. Or maybe you think that it is impossible to be happier with anyone other than him. That was what I thought too. But that’s simply a delusion. It is not true.
Believe it or not, you will find someone who treasures you more. It may seem hard to imagine at this point in time, but you will also definitely find someone whom you feel more attracted to. Your partner has caused extensive harm to you, do not downplay his abuse. There was once my ex ripped my necklace off me for no particular reason (it was sudden, we weren’t arguing) and he roared, “WHO GAVE YOU THIS NECKLACE? TELL ME WHO? NOW!” and I thought, oh he didn’t slap/punch me, so that’s fine. It’s not that bad. Everyone has flaws anyway. He’s not that bad because he didn’t hit me this time.
Once accustomed to violence, I began to trivialise all other forms of abuse.
Understand this: You deserve love, respect and kindness ALL THE TIME, not just in moments where your abuser feels like it. If there is violence, then there is no love. Love and violence cannot coexist at the same time. If he loves you in the first place, he wouldn’t hit you. Intoxication is a terrible excuse. Whether he is drunk or sober when violent is irrelevant. The bottom line remains — a man who rains blows upon you has no concern for your wellbeing.
Violence is not the norm, it is absolutely unacceptable. Life WILL be better without abuse. There are better options out there. The person who degrades you is not one of them.
Changing an abuser is not something within your control. You should know this by now. If you are able to help him, then why does he still hit you? If time and patience can make him better, then why is the relationship not improving? Healing him is not something you are equipped to do (even if you are well aware of his manipulation techniques); you are the person that he slaps, strangles, punches and kicks, you are not his therapist, even if you work as a therapist.
He blames you for his outbursts and calls you a dumb slut, bitch and whore, but the problem does not lie with you. The problem lies with him. If you were truly as terrible as he makes you out to be, why doesn’t he break up with you and leave you alone once and for all? Sure, maybe he’ll dump you, but only temporarily. Mark my words, he will be back to torment you. Because he knows that when he returns, you won’t be able to resist him anyway. Most importantly, he won’t let you go because he knows that you are a rarity who can withstand his repeated onslaught of abuse.
At PAVE, we’d question, how did we end up stuck with someone so abusive? But rethink. Did we really pick him? Or did he pick us?
Despite his questionable character, my abuser is in fact highly perceptive. He knew very well that I could be conditioned to violence. I am not the first woman he hit, neither am I the first partner he emotionally abused with expletive-laced criticisms, degrading labels, and controlling behaviour. In fact, I am the 7th woman he beat up. At least two more ex-girlfriends landed in the hospital because the injuries he inflicted on these women were so severe. And like me, another ex-girlfriend also had her nose broken. My abuser is sharp enough to look out for certain traits when picking his next victim, and he knew he could easily get away with abusing me.
Violence should not be tolerated. Don’t place your compassion, empathy and kindness in the wrong people.
For more understanding, read Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. This book is excellent, covering pretty much everything about the nature of abuse, including an entire chapter dedicated to explaining why some men only hit when drunk. Free eBook here.
P.S. My ex (still an actively practising locum doctor btw) often threatened to murder me first, then commit suicide afterwards. Naturally, I remain fearful of getting harmed by him once more. However, if I were to stay silent on this subject, I’ll live with more regrets, knowing that he’ll continue to hurt more women.
Choose a life without abuse. You deserve it.
More tips and tricks on how to survive an abusive relationship in my next post.
