Pt 1. “But he doesn’t seem like the sort who’d beat women.”
Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women.
Having gone through a violent relationship which almost killed me (brain bleed, multiple fractures, broken nose and hand etc), I now feel compelled to write about my experience. This was not an easy decision. I had my doubts about putting myself out in the public sphere and was initially worried that sharing my story would result in negative implications for my abuser’s life. (He was my boyfriend after all, and I cared for him deeply). Needless to say, I’m also fearful that publishing the truth might cause him to ambush and assault me any moment, just like he had done before.
Many victims of violence are embarrassed about being repeatedly slapped, punched and kicked by the person we love the most, but why should we be the ones who feel humiliated? We have a culture that trivialises abuse, so much that if we were getting hit, outsiders would be hard-pressed to find fault with the victims, as if there is anything that could justify violence.
We are not the ones who have done wrong.
The purpose of sharing this experience is not to shame my abuser, but rather, raise awareness about the issue of violence in relationships. Yes, such incidents do occur in Singapore, and it’s more common than you’d imagine it to be.
P.S. For the sake of convenience, I refer to my abuser as my boyfriend in this post, because we were together during the times he hit me. We are no longer together now.
2017
This was not the first time he hit me. Again, I felt that familiar, unceasing torrent of punches upon my face, catching me by surprise, hammering right through my ability to even scream “stop”. He struck me so hard, my nose broke into pieces, my facial bones were shattered extensively, and bones of my eye socket fractured, too. The hand I used to shield my face from his blows snapped into two, and he slammed me against the wall with such force, I haemorrhaged in the brain. He choked and strangled me again and again, and I still remember the look on his face as he squeezed my neck tighter, and tighter, till I had no breath left in me, till my vision dimmed, till there was no longer any pain, till I thought, okay, this is how I’m going to die, okay, I’m gonna die under the hands of the man I love, okay, it’s okay…
Throughout this barrage of violence, he yelled, “you fucking whore!”, all because I did not want to have sex with him. And since he weighed almost twice as much as me, there was little I could do to protect myself. When I tried to leave his room, he grabbed me by the hair and yanked hard. I fell to the floor, unable to escape. Even fleeing was not an option.
What does your boyfriend work as? Is he educated?
Abusers do not come in a particular “type”. Many think of violent men as blue-collar workers with rough jobs, but he is an actively-practising doctor registered with the Singapore Medical Council. Being a healthcare professional does little to cultivate more empathy within him. If anything at all, working closely with patients in clinical settings has honed him to be sharper and more intuitive with people’s minds and emotions. He cultivates these social skills and wields knowledge to suit his own needs and goals. For almost over a decade, he has managed to stay under the legal radar even after bashing one girlfriend after another, because he’d always succeed in manipulating battered women to drop charges against him. (“If I go to prison, who will take care of my family? My family needs me… Unlike you, my ex-girlfriends were always very forgiving, they don’t harp on the mistakes I made…”)
As it turns out, abusers do not come in any typical form. Abusive partners can be highly educated, and they can hold privileged titles such as doctors, lawyers, and professors. I even heard of an abuser who was a policeman.
Break free from preconceived notions about what constitutes a violent man. When it comes to abusive people, there is no one-size-fits-all stereotype.
Also, the dynamic of an abusive relationship is complex, and leaving a violent partner is often not as straightforward as it seems.
To people in an abusive relationship: PLEASE SEEK HELP. No one should live with violence. Contact PAVE, a family violence service centre at +65 6555 0390 if you’re in Singapore. Choose a life without abuse. You deserve it.
