Live Interview with CNA938 (indirect transcript, Mar’21)
1. Rachel, it must have been a torturous time for you since what happened with Clarence. How are you doing now? (please also talk about how the abuse affected you in your answer here)
I am actually doing fine now! Initially the recovery process was incredibly tough because I felt as though my reality was ripped apart, and also I had to deal the physical injuries which saw me in and out of the hospital all the time. Even though the abuse happened in 2017, last year I still had to undergo a surgery for my hand, and I still have to undergo more follow ups for facial deformities as you know, he broke my eye socket, nose, and both left and right sides of my face. I was often depressed and suicidal initially after the attacks, but thankfully I’ve learnt how to embrace life as it is now. Life goes on, now I’m just committed to help others who find themselves stuck in a similar situation.
2. Emotionally and mentally, have you recovered from what happened?
Emotionally and mentally, I think I have more or less recovered from the worst of his abuse. Of course, some bits of trauma will always linger on, but I actively choose not to give the past the power to torment me now. Even though what happened was not my fault, it is now my responsibility to continue with my healing process. So I’m working on myself now and still investing the time and money to see a therapist!
3. Talk to us about your recovery process
I had access to therapy, so that helped immensely. Even though therapy was extremely expensive, it was the best investment I’ve made in my life. Understanding WHY the abuse happened is important in order to move forth.
After the abuse, I chose to focus on myself, so I started to embrace myself, and subsequently, learning how to enjoy solitude.
Once I’ve learnt how to wholeheartedly embrace being alone, life just became easier! Apart from therapy, I’ve also committed more time to meditation and practices that made me happy, such as yoga, music, and dance.
But I think having therapy and a support group was the crucial elements in my recovery process.
4. We understand Clarence has a history of abuse. What made you stay?
Yes, he had beaten up and also sexually abused multiple women. I can say this publicly because there are evidences being presented to me by his ex-girlfriends. I saw the pictures of their injuries. They had it bad, if not worse than me. So if you had seen the photos of my injuries online, imagine how some women had it worse!
Unfortunately, these cases were not brought to court because the police was never at the scene when Clarence were abusing his previous partners. Unlike my case, evidences in his past abusive relationships were only provided AFTER the injuries were sustained, and were not taken seriously. One of his ex-girlfriend, just like me, was even made to undergo a lie detector test after we told the police in explicit details how he sexually abused us. Unfortunately, the legal system did not move forth with our testimonies about sexual abuse because it was impossible to prove.
At that point, I truly thought Clarence was my soulmate and best friend. He was not my first boyfriend, but the first partner in my life that I felt such a deep connection to.
He was funny, intelligent, and charming. I never had to dumb myself down for him. Whenever we were debating ideologies and there was a concept I brought up that he never heard of, he would take the time to read up on it. None of my previous partners would ever put in effort to study what I’ve learnt in order to meet me at a similar intellectual frequency.
Also, he was fun to be with, we would always play like kids when we were together. The element of playfulness in a relationship is important to me, so being with Clarence, I felt like I had such a heavenly taste of fun and joy that I was sure — at that point of time — that I would never find in future partners. That sort of delusion made me stay in the relationship because I thought I could never be happy with anyone else other than Clarence.
I also truly believed he could change for the better!
5. No one should ever go through what you went through. Do you have anything you’d like to say to all women AND men?
To women who think their abusers are their soulmates or best friends: do you really think someone who is supposed to understand you so well, or someone whom you supposedly have so much chemistry with, is also someone who degrades you verbally, manipulates you psychologically, or even cause you physical harm? The easiest person to fool is ourselves. It’s a thousand times better to be alone than to be with someone and never feel safe.
Men, to be a strong, brave man means having the guts to call out fellow men when they are being rude or abusive to women. Don’t be a bystander of misogyny. Do not stay silent when you see other men being sexist to other women, even if the sexism is masqueraded as a joke or online meme.
Most of the time, abusive men only consider their actions when it is pointed out by another MAN, not a woman, since they already see women as manipulative and inferior beings.
To both men AND women, each time you hear someone put down another woman by calling her the “B” word, or the “S” word, or if you find yourself still using those terms, understand that these are really sexist terms that may have been ingrained into our minds since young. So it may be hard to stop using them completely, at least at the start.
Using these misogynistic terms will have a violent impact against women. If you truly want to prevent physical violence against women, perhaps start with being mindful each time you feel compelled to use the “B” or “S” word to put down a woman. We all can play a part to eliminate violence against women, and the first step is to be conscious of our own speech, or even the memes we post to describe women.
